


The Private Life of The Cougar

by Arsenic



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Families of Choice, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-07 18:56:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5467439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arsenic/pseuds/Arsenic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cougar loses his family when he's fourteen.  He finds a different one in his twenties.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Private Life of The Cougar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hazel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazel/gifts).



> Thank you to both my betas, whom I will reveal post-author reveals.
> 
> The title is sort of kind of a reference to Watership Down, mostly just because.

There's a moment, in the second before things come into focus for a shot, when everything is distinctly out of focus. It is a kind of disorientation that Cougar has gotten used to. 

Being used to it is not the same thing as not feeling it.

Lately—after Roque, which they don't talk about, not at all—he feels like he's stuck in that moment.

*

Carlos, before he's Cougar, is kicked out of his house at fourteen. Arguably, it's his fault for getting caught kissing the boy three houses down, Cristobal. On the other hand, Cristobal didn't get kicked out by his family.

Carlos takes four shirts, two pairs of pants, his copy of _Watership Down _, and the twenty-three dollars he has saved from his allowance. His sister sneaks him a box of Quaker granola bars and another five dollars. He hugs her tightly, tells her to be a good girl, and walks to his town's bus station.__

__Fifteen dollars gets him to the nearest city—Houston. From there he's got thirteen dollars, the shoes on his feet, and no idea of what the hell to do._ _

____

*

It takes Carlos less than a week to figure out that when you look like you're from south of the border, plenty of restaurants will let you wash their dishes and pay you without asking for any paperwork. Carlos' grandparents on his father's side emigrated from Guatemala before his dad was even born, and Carlos' mother's family is of Karankawa descent. They've probably been in Texas longer than any of the white people slipping him thirty or forty bucks at the end of the night.

It's useful, though, the perception that he's hiding from border patrol, when really, he's just not old enough for a driver's license.

He scouts out a library on his third day in the city, which is how he finds the resource center for queer teens. He debates going, because it seems like they might ask questions. After a couple of weeks of sleeping rough and cleaning up in gas station bathrooms, though, when even restaurants are starting to turn away his help, he swallows his concerns, and finds his way there.

It's run by a woman named Lupe who is evidently a "recovering nun" and a self-professed "dyke-on-a-bike, even if that bike is a Schwinn." Carlos laughs quietly, the way he does everything, and she says, "Okay, kid, let's figure out a plan for you."

The plan involves a home for runaway teens which only has a few rules: 1. Don't skip school, 2. Do your chores, and 3. Don't harass the other kids. Carlos signs a piece of paper saying he agrees to all that, and they give him a room that he shares with three other boys. In some ways, Carlos wishes he could make friends with them, but Dan and Xavier are already attached at the hip and uninterested in a third party, and Patrick is a year older, which is evidently a big deal to him.

Carlos goes to school and hangs out with the other kids who speak Spanish, but he's not really one of them. They have families they go home to, homes to invite each other over to, and Carlos has none of that.

On Sundays, he goes to church with Lupe, not sure why, except that it calms him when he's there. It's a Catholic church, and familiar in its rituals but foreign in the sense that the priest knows exactly who Lupe is and what she does, and he still shakes her hand and chats with her after the service every Sunday. He must, at the very least, suspect what Carlos is, but he asks after Carlos' grades, inquires as to whether he'd like to take part in the community service events.

Carlos goes to the ones where they play basketball or baseball with the kids from the city core. He also likes the Habitat for Humanity ones, likes being given a hammer or a screwdriver, a set of instructions, and being left alone to create something.

He has quiet, pleasantly illicit sex with the running back from the football team and the head of the swim team, but isn't drawn to have more. He actually dates a guy he meets through Lupe for a bit, but things taper off in the way most high school relationships do. For a while, it makes Carlos more keenly lonely, but a few weeks blunt the sensation, and he relaxes into being a loner again.

The minute he gets his high school diploma he goes to the recruitment center at the nearest mall and signs up. He's considered his options for two years now, ever since the guidance counselors at school started talking about college. Carlos doesn't mind school, even likes math, but he's not so attached that seeking out scholarships appeals to him. The army, with its guaranteed bed and board and a group of people to consider his own, that's his speed.

He's a little concerned DADT will be a problem, since it's documented that he's been on his own since fourteen, and all it takes is a little reading between the lines, but the guy at the center doesn't bother. Rather, he shakes Carlos' hand and says, "Welcome to the army, kid."

*

By the time he goes Special Forces, Carlos is Cougar, so named by a guy in his unit with a thing for big cats and an intention to eventually be a zoo vet. Evidently, cougars are solitary creatures. Cougar doesn't bother to explain that there's a difference between quiet and solitary. It's kind of like a joke, he thinks: if you have to explain it, it's not really comprehensible.

He's quiet, though, and good at being on his own for long periods of time, so they teach him how to snipe and, as it so happens, he's excellent at that. On his first leave in the middle of a deployment where he's on long-range extermination, he goes and stays with Lupe.

She says, "You look a little rough around the edges, kid."

He doesn't say, _It never bothered me, who I loved, but it maybe bothers me, who I kill._ Instead he says, "Defending my country, it—that matters, yeah?"

She kisses his forehead and says, "We might be a pretty fucked up crowd here in America, but there's nobility in protecting an experiment that's still trying, okay? You remember that."

He nods and lets her take him to confession, which helps maybe more than it should, and when he goes back, something has settled in him, and his sight is clearer than ever.

*

He's the fourth Loser, right after Pooch, before Jensen. He gets brought into the colonel's team because their previous sniper evidently got a little unnerved by Roque's knives. Cougar likes them, there's something very intimate, very honest about knives. Sure, his specialty is long-range but that doesn't mean he can't have an appreciation for the other types of combat.

From the start it's different with them, in ways Cougar can feel, even if he can't explain them. Things like how Pooch bothers to catch him up on inside jokes, or Clay sits with him all evening after a messy op. Things like Roque teaching him new card games, Pooch complaining about planning for his wedding, Clay saying, "It's Clay, when we're not in the field. Just Clay."

It's easier and harder all at once, because Cougar has learned to only let people in so far, learned to leave enough distance so they can't take more of him when they go. He's only got so much.

Then Clay requisitions a tech and comms guy, and arguably the most obnoxious person Cougar has ever met is suddenly on the team. He's better at getting Pooch to laugh, better at sneaking past Roque's gruffness, better at being the kid Clay never had. Cougar wants to hate him, wants to turn his back, wants to feel a burning pool of rage that whatever might have been will never be because of this kid, this stupid, happy, too-smart, mouthy, clumsy kid.

Only, Jensen hacks a requisition form while they're in the armpit of Uzbekistan and has three bars of chocolate with chiles delivered, handing them over to Cougar with a grin and an eager, "Pooch said this is, like, the only kind of candy you ever eat."

It's not, but it is his favorite, no question, and he's missed it. They've been out of the country for the better part of half a year, and specialty chocolate is impossible to come by. He takes the chocolate and instead of thanking the kid—he means to, he really does—he says, "Your aim is shit."

"Yeah," Jensen gives him one of those lopsided smiles, "they didn't worry too much about that sort of thing with the geeks."

Cougar grunts and forces him to practice for a half-hour every day.

*

Cougar doesn't even notice when he starts talking more. It's not a lot, not even a moderate amount, but he finds himself speaking up at least once a day, which is more than he has since...he's not certain when. Maybe back when he was still a kid, with his sister.

It's mostly in response to things: Clay putting together a strategy and Cougar needing to make a point about sightlines, or Pooch trying to learn Spanish (his accent is the funniest thing Cougar's ever heard), or Jensen asking a question. Really, what happens with that last is that he accidentally answers once and then Jensen makes it a mission to get more answers.

Jensen can be very focused.

The second year they're all in the unit, they're in the states for Thanksgiving, and Pooch invites them to his place. It's a cute little bungalow, obviously something Jolene picked out, since Pooch's taste runs more toward Spartan with a touch of kitsch. Instead, the place is filled with well-placed accent walls, art that looks expensive whether it is or not, and rich, green plants hanging from the ceilings. 

Cougar's not a genius in the kitchen, but he knows his way around one. Lupe'd said it was a necessary survival skill and made him sign up for rotations in the home's kitchens. Jensen's clearly been trained by someone as well—Cougar suspects his older sister, the only member of his family Jensen ever talks about—so the two of them join Jolene in the kitchen for tasks that aren't just chopping and peeling. Those get relegated to Pooch, who's evidently a fire hazard if given any task more complicated.

Clay brings more wine than they can possibly hope to finish. Roque does the dishes. It feels… Cougar isn't sure of the word, but whatever it is, the feeling makes his chest hurt and his throat close up and he still doesn't want it to go away.

Jensen, who's telling them about his six-year old niece, never stops talking, but he rests his hand on Cougar's shoulder, and for whatever stupid reason, Cougar can breathe again.

*

The first time Cougar sleeps after Roque's betrayal—sixteen hours later, despite the fact that they're all exhausted—he has a nightmare in which he's fourteen and scared and has nowhere to go. It's more memory than nightmare, and it hasn't stirred in over ten years.

Jensen is sleeping deeply, weirdly still. Pooch is watching Jolene on another hacked feed. Aisha's sleeping sitting up, curled in on herself, a gun in her hands. And as much as Cougar wants to punch her in the shoulder as payback for shooting Jensen, he wishes she knew she's safe enough with them. 

Clay's walking around the warehouse where they've squatted. Cougar walks until he's pacing along with Clay, who nods at him, but doesn't say anything. After a long while, Cougar asks, "Do we have a plan?"

Clay rubs at his face and throws a backward glance at where the other three are holed up. " _Plan_ might be a strong word."

Cougar isn't sure how to respond to that, so he doesn't. After a moment, Clay says, "Pooch needs to see Jolene, needs to be there when the baby is born. That's…that's mission target, at the moment."

Cougar nods. Clay takes a breath. "We need a base of operations. Somewhere safe."

This is also true, but fairly easy, all things considered. They're trained for this sort of situation.

Out of nowhere, Clay asks, "You got something you need to do? People you need to see?"

Cougar needs to get word to Lupe that he's okay. She'll have picked up his stuff, as his "next of kin." He needs to do that. For the first time since he left his house, he thinks he should have Jensen find Cougar's sister. Should let her know he did okay for himself.

The thought brings back the echoed panic of the nightmare, so all he says is, "Let's get Jensen to his family, first."

Clay glances over at him for a long moment, but then just claps him on the shoulder and says, "All right."

*

The next morning, Cougar hands Jensen a coffee and a tablet and asks, "Could you find someone?"

Jensen clearly burns himself drinking too fast, but it doesn't stop him. When he comes up for air, he says, "You're being insulting."

Cougar imagines that's probably true, so he just shrugs and says, "Her name used to be Olivia Alvarez. But she might have married."

Within less than a minute, Jensen has found her. She is married, her last name now Devant, but she has her maiden name in parentheses on her Facebook. Jensen says, "Oh, hey, look, she has a four year old named—oh. Carlie."

It's occurred to Cougar over the years that he might be an asshole, but never has it been more evident than this moment. Jensen is still playing around, learning things about a woman Carlos should have asked about years ago, should have tried to keep track of in the first place. Jensen doesn't look up from the computer when he says, "Nicky, my sister, you know? Mom and dad kicked her out when I was ten. She's six years older than me. I think she, uh, I dunno, got a tattoo or something. Something stupid, it was an excuse."

He chuckles. "Honestly, I'm pretty sure the only reason we exist is because of a lack of proper understanding of contraceptive techniques.

"Anyway, she took off, and this was back before we were quite so Skynet and all. Took me five years to find her. Turns out she'd hitchhiked her way to Connecticut where she had this pen pal, with this plan to stay there until she figured out a better plan, only the family took her in. They sued for custody, but I never knew, because mom and dad just signed the papers."

Jensen clicks another few links. "She was finishing college by the time I found her, I mean. It's not like she couldn't have gotten in touch with me, couldn’t have—. And at first I was mad, yeah. But then, then I thought about how she was only a year older than me when she found herself all alone and with nowhere to go, and I guess I just got it, to some extent, that need to cut ties, to start again."

Cougar thinks that Jensen is more forgiving than he should be in most instances. Hell, the kid was the first of them to forgive Aisha, and he had more right to stay angry than all of them. He takes the point, nonetheless. He musses Jensen's hair by way of thanks, and wanders off to consider what in the world to say to this woman he no longer knows, who named her kid after him.

*

He calls. He's not great on the phone, rarely has more to say than he ever does, but since they're still technically dead, proving it's him over email is going to be complicated. He sits near Jensen while the phone rings. Jensen pretends to ignore him, typing away, making small humming sounds, muttering under his breath. Cougar's glad. Jensen being quiet unnerves him.

Olivia picks up with a, "Hello?"

It takes Cougar a second, long enough that she has to repeat the questioned greeting. Then he manages to choke out, "'Livia."

There's silence on her end for a long moment, and he tries desperately to remember what he had planned on saying, but nothing is coming to him. Then, she says, " _Carlos?_ Is that—are you, I mean—"

"It’s me," he says quietly. "Sorry I—just. Lo siento."

There's a sound over on her end, maybe a sob, maybe a laugh. She says, "Holy shit. I thought you were _dead._ "

She wouldn't have been told officially. No, Lupe was the only person the military would have informed. So she's probably thought that for years. "I, ah. It's complicated."

Jensen snorts. Cougar rubs a hand over his face. "I didn't mean—" He sighs. "I'm sorry."

"So you've said," she says slowly. She's silent for a long moment before asking, "Where are you?"

Jensen looks up at that. Cougar knows he's in the process of buying them a house, something remote, under a false corporate name. Cougar raises an eyebrow. Jensen murmurs, "Tell her we'll come to her."

"We'll?" Cougar mouths.

Jensen grins. "You really think Clay's letting you out of his sight? Dream on, mi amigo."

Cougar is not one to concede that Jensen has a point. All the same, he says, "You moved to Atlanta, yes? I'll come to you."

*

They don't go immediately. For one thing, Cougar is more panicky than he wants to admit about the idea of leaving before they deliver Pooch safely to Jolene. Everything, even Olivia and her child, seems peripheral to what remains of the team, the noise outside the cross hairs.

The night Pooch's son is born, Jensen and Cougar sit in the house they've purchased, a rag-tag, falling apart thing that he can't wait to get his hands dirty on. Clay and Aisha have fucked off to, well, probably fuck, if Clay's pattern is anything to go by. 

Jensen alternates between sliding the champagne bottle toward Cougar and stealing it back until it's gone, nothing but the faint bite of bubbles, a memory on his tongue. Jensen's loose with it, laughing over possible names for Pooch's kid, excited about heading toward Nicky and his niece. 

Cougar's not drunk, but he's buzzed. He's forgotten how things that taste light can hit like hammers. The world outside of Jensen is a soft hum, which is maybe why it doesn't seem important, why the only thing he can focus on is Jensen, the curl of his mouth, the length of his fingers.

He's kissing him before he realizes it. It's been a while. He only goes out to bars on leave, and, well, there's been no leave since their deaths. He's pretty sure the guys know that his ease with women stems from a lack of desire and a skill for covering up secrets, but maybe not, because Jensen mutters, "Whoa, whoa," and pushes against his chest.

It's not a hard push, just enough to get Cougar to pull back, to look at him. Jensen blinks. "Just, I—I have to check. Are you drunk?"

Cougar frowns, slips back into Spanish. It doesn't happen often, mostly when he's feeling thrown, vulnerable, but all that comes out is, "Que?"

Jensen smiles, but it's uneasy, not his regular smile. He says, "You know I'm useless in Spanish. I took Japanese with all the rest of the geeks."

"Jake," Cougar says.

"It's just, the thing is, if you are drunk, and you're going to wake up and freak out and never speak to me again, then I'd rather just go to bed. And believe me, I know I'm shooting myself in the foot here, because, yeah, I've wanted a piece of you since day one, and I'm sure you can probably smell it, or something, but—"

Cougar kisses him again. "Not that drunk. Nowhere near that drunk."

Jensen pants, open-mouthed. "So this is—you want this."

Cougar licks a line straight up his throat. "Let me show you want."

"Ugh," Jensen groans. "I mean, yeah, yes, yes very yes."

Cougar bites down gently on the skin at his jaw and Jensen takes a quick breath in to babble. Cougar lets him, the sound of Jensen's pleasure washing over him. When Jensen whines, "Cougar," as Cougar's covering his nipple with his mouth, Cougar draws back for a moment and whispers, "Carlos," in Jensen's ear.

Jensen says, "Carlos, yeah, fuck, Carlos," keeps saying it, until the only sounds coming out of his mouth are weak, breathy, whimpers.

*

For three months, Cougar spends his days reworking their piece-of-shit property into something non-descript on the outside, and a fortress on the inside. Clay and Aisha work alongside him. Jensen helps out at Pooch's, since he doesn't sleep much anyway, and has a seemingly endless font of patience for small, screaming humans.

In the moments where they catch up they lock themselves in Pooch's and Jolene's bathroom, or otherwise find a quiet space to get their hands on each other. Jensen talks, tells Cougar about his day, about the baby, about whatever. Cougar listens and touches and sometimes laughs.

Aisha is the first—only—person to say something about it, and her comment is a, "Finally," to Cougar, her tone exasperated, as if she was worried she was going to have to intervene, or something. Cougar's really glad it didn't come to that, now that he has an inkling it was a possibility.

*

When Nicky opens the door, Clay mutters, "No question as to whether they're related."

Cougar reins in a smile. Nicky _does_ look exactly like Jensen, if Jensen were slightly softer and curvier. She's got that same athletic build, though, and her eyes spark in identical ways. It doesn't help that her hair's in a crew cut. Jensen's in her arms the second the door isn't between them and she's rubbing her knuckles over his hair, saying, "Don't you _ever_ die on us again."

Jensen says, "Yes ma'am," like he means it, like it's a promise he can keep.

She pulls away and glances at the rest of them for a long moment before saying, "Well then, come on in."

They've barely gotten inside when Jensen is assaulted by a ball of energy with blond hair. He's got his niece up and in the air the second she makes contact and twirls her around. When he sets her back on the ground, he introduces them, each of them getting an "aunt" or "uncle" in front of their names, as deemed appropriate.

Cougar thinks about Carlie, and has to take a breath. Harper, Jensen's niece, is talking even faster than Jensen can manage, but Jensen seems to be following every word. Cougar lets the cadence of it brush over him, Jensen's responding laughs bringing everything into focus.

*

Nicky foists Harper off onto Jensen and sends them out to get some new game Harper's chatting about. Pooch and Jolene go back to the hotel to put the baby down, and Aisha and Clay "take a walk," which Cougar knows means they're canvassing the neighborhood, but they're not going to settle until they do it, so it's probably for the best.

Nicky looks at Cougar and says, "You're staying here with Jake, right?"

Cougar tilts his head. He doesn't challenge the assertion, but he doesn't confirm it, either.

Nicky laughs. "He's always had a thing for the strong, silent type."

Cougar's never asked about Jensen's dating life before the team. It occurs to him that maybe he should. He shelves the thought for the moment. "I'd prefer to stay here."

She nods. "Guest room is down the hall, last door on the left. There's a bathroom across the hall. Full bed, so maybe a little small for both of you, but—"

"Thank you," he says. 

"For the hospitality, or for not being a homophobe?" she asks casually.

"Yes."

She huffs. "Fair enough. That being said, don’t think I don't know whatever it is you guys do, it's dangerous as shit, and you're probably all ninjas, I do. And I'm still telling you, you break his heart, I'll break every bone in your fucking body, and a few you didn't even know you had."

Cougar touches a finger to his forehead. He took his hat off when he came into the house; he's not a heathen. He echoes back, "Fair enough."

*

Harper teaches Cougar Skip Bo, and proceeds to slaughter him numerous times throughout the week that they stay with Nicky. Cougar spends his days keeping Jensen's feet on the ground—or keeping Jensen from getting beaten up by amateur referees—or just remembering how to be part of a family who are not the people watching your back with weapons. It's good practice.

At night, Cougar presses Jensen into the full bed, kissing him into silence as they fool around, finding each other in the dark.

*

They drive down to Atlanta. It's easier than dealing with the fake IDs and paperwork of flying. It gives Cougar time to prepare. Alternately, it also gives him time to freak the hell out. He calls Lupe and finds himself unable to say, "Hello."

She says, "Breathe, kid. It's good for you."

He pulls in a breath and says, "We're in the Carolinas."

She says, "Have some barbecue, it's delicious. And feed that boy of yours. He's made of sticks."

"Good advice," he tells her.

"I'm full of it," she assures him, and reminds him to call when he gets to Atlanta.

Jensen, who's driving, says, "Yeah, feed me, bitch."

Cougar raises an eyebrow, and does just that in the bathroom of a roadside barbecue shack. Lupe's right, the food is fantastic. Jensen still proclaims that he preferred dessert.

Aisha punches his shoulder so hard he stumbles three feet to the side.

*

It's almost dark, despite it being summer, by the time they arrive in Atlanta. They settle in a motel with easy access to the cars more out of habit than real concern for being found. Still, it makes all of them feel safer.

They grab dinner at some place that serves shrimp and grits nearby, because Jolene, who grew up south of the Mason-Dixon, is craving them. Cougar isn't hungry, hasn't been for days, really, but Jensen orders hush puppies and keeps feeding them to Cougar—who's bad at saying no to him—on the sly.

They're not expected at Olivia's until the next day. Jensen pulls Cougar out of the motel and on a run. It helps, knowing their surroundings, moving until everything is sore. Jensen gets him in the shower, then, scrubbing Cougar's hair with cheap hotel shampoo and the conditioner that Jensen keeps buying for it. He likes it soft.

Cougar likes it when Jensen runs his fingers through it, or tugs a bit when Cougar's blowing him, so he doesn't complain about the maintenance. Jensen goes down on him after the shower, both of them still wet. Cougar crumples afterward, feeling like all his strings have been cut.

Jensen drags him to bed and says, "Seriously, dude, anyone who doesn't love you has something fucked in their brain."

Cougar snorts, buries his face in Jensen's chest, and manages to sleep for a few hours, here and there.

*

Jensen tries to get Cougar to eat breakfast, but it's a lost cause. He gives up fairly easily, which suggests he knew it, but had to try anyway. He drives to the address Olivia gave them. Pooch and Jolene stay at the motel, up for joining later when they've gotten the baby through his morning routine.

Clay and Aisha sit in the back of the car. Jensen talks. The three of them listen, or, well, don't, as may be the case.

The house they pull up to is a brick townhouse in a decently affluent area, with old trees lining the streets, kids’ toys left on front lawns, shiny sedans in driveways, and well-manicured shrubbery. Jensen's in a button down and khakis, and sure, the sleeves are rolled up and the shirt has the top two buttons undone, but Cougar knows it means he's trying. 

He takes a breath and makes himself get out of the car, walk up the walkway, the brick stairs leading to the door. Another breath (one, two, three, shoot) and he knocks. 

A woman with a slightly softer version of his face answers the door. He breathes out, "'Liv."

Her smile is radiant, even if her eyes are wet, almost dripping over. "Carlos."

She looks at Jensen, and then behind the two of them, at Aisha and Clay. "You must be Carlos' friends. Come in, then, come in."

She moves back to let them in the door. Cougar steps a foot inside, Jensen and the others at his back.

**Author's Note:**

> To my recipient--
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this. I wanted to give you something you'd at least not have a hard time reading, knowing that the things you're interested in are not really my writing strengths. All my best, and I hope even if this story wasn't necessarily your bag, someone writes something that totally is.


End file.
